Dark Journey
by AgressiveNegotiations01
Summary: The war with the Yuuzhan Vong has affected the whole galaxy, but the Solo family has suffered and given more than most. Star by Star and Dark Journey have not happened. Jaina Solo is having trouble coming to grips with the things she has had to do and it


CHAPTER ONE

**AFTERMATH OF DISASTER**

Jaina hugged her knees as she sat, curled up, in the corner of her quarters. _I__'m not worth it;_ she thought to herself, _I__'m not worth dying for._ She'd put a Force shield up to stop her thoughts escaping and anyone catching them. "Therese will be happy," Jaina muttered sardonically. "I'm a mess; I'm all messed up…"

_But you're not messed up,_ a little voice whispered,_ I know you__'re in pain; you're causing so many deaths, because they think you're something you're not._

Jaina choked back a sob. "I'm not a goddess," she whispered. "I'm not even a good Jedi, I'm just kidding myself, just kidding myself…"

_Yes_, the little voice whispered, _You **are** just kidding yourself, you__'re not anything special, just a nineteen year old girl who as been mistaken for someone special_.

Jaina sniffled a little, wiping her eyes. "I need to get help, don't I? I shouldn't be thinking like this…" she muttered.

_No-one will understand, _the voice said, _You__'re the only one who has these issues, everyone else is known for who they are, not what people want them to be…_

Jaina sat on her bed, looking at the razor in her hands. Its blade glinted in the dim light from the bathroom. "I should be feeling what the people who die for me do," she murmured.

_Yes,_ the voice whispered,_ I assure you, the pain will help you; the pain will take you away._

Jaina looked absently at the other scars down the underside of her arms and wrists. "They didn't work, did they?" she asked softly. "They just hurt a lot, nothing changed…" She brought the razor to her arm.

Kyp stood by his stove, tentatively reaching for Jaina. He encountered a wall, a block of some sort. She didn't want to share her feelings, obviously. She'd been distant for some months, ever since the Myrkr mission, actually. No-one could understand what she'd been through… He shook his head, he needed to concentrate on what he was doing, not Jaina. He glanced down at his nerf steak and quickly flipped it with the utensil in his left hand.

Jaina ran the blade lightly down her arm, drawing a slight trickle of blood. Then she did it to her other arm. She watched with detached fascination as the blood dribbled down her arms and onto the floor.

She brought the razor up to her elbow joint and applied a little more pressure, slicing the blade through her pale skin. The sharp pain jolted though her arms and her Force shield wavered.

Kyp caught a flash of her pain before the shield was back in place. He swallowed a bite of his steak whole and coughed, choking a little. "Jaina?" he asked through their bond and aloud. She heard Kyp asking her what was wrong but ignored him, he wouldn't understand, she had to concentrate. She didn't respond.

She cut deeper in both arms, letting the pain carry her away. She dropped the razor and saw it fall in slow motion to the carpeted floor, dripping blood, her blood. The Force shield dropped as her eyelids grew heavy and she slowly slumped to the floor, her eyes closing.

Kyp jumped up as he felt Jaina's slide into unconsciousness and dropped his fork. He sprinted down the hall with speed only a Jedi could possess and charged at the door to Jaina's quarters. It was locked. He manipulated the lock with the Force and threw the door open, running into Jaina's sleeping area. She was curled up in the corner, a small puddle of blood growing around her. She was unconscious. He scanned her body quickly and noticed the deep cuts in her arms. He lifted her up and laid her on her bed, then rummaged through the medical supplies in her cupboard and found some bandages. He wrapped the bandages tightly around her arms and then sat back, breathing heavily. She flinched a few seconds later, flexing her fingers, and then she lapsed back into unconsciousness. Kyp touched her hand, it was a little cold. "Jaina?" he asked gently. "Sticks?" She didn't respond.

A little while later Jacen sent a Force message to Kyp, _What__'s wrong with Jaina?_

Kyp sighed, _I only know that she slashed her wrists but I got here in time. _

Jacen's pain came to him in waves, _Tell her I__'m leaving now, I'll be back soon, in a few hours and that I love her. _

_I will, when she wakes up, _he responded and looked at Jaina, his eyes softening. She'd never let on that she was depressed, no one would have had any idea she'd been contemplating suicide. He only then noticed just how thin she had become. He called Wedge Antilles over the comlink and the general came in a few moments later. He looked at Jaina, the bandages on her arms, the blood on the floor, the razor beside the blood, back at Jaina then at Kyp.

"No…" he whispered, shaking his head. "Kyp, tell me she didn't, please…"

Kyp looked at Jaina then back at Wedge. "She slashed her wrists, General Antilles," he said, his voice low.

Wedge gasped aloud and knelt down beside Jaina. "She's still alive, I got here in time," Kyp said, anticipating his question.

Wedge calmed down a little. "Do you know why?" he asked. "No, I wish I did, but I don't," Kyp said regretfully. "Medward or bed rest?"

Wedge thought for a moment. "If she goes to the medward everyone will know, and I know she won't want that, are you sure she'll be okay if we leave her here? I'm still having her on suicide watch though."

"She'll heal herself just fine, I'm worried about her mental state though," Kyp replied.

"Who do you think is strong enough, aside from a Jedi, to stop her from hurting herself again? If she has another attack, that is?" Wedge asked Tycho. Tycho had been disturbed when Wedge had told him of Jaina's suicide attempt. "I don't know; your nephew?" he suggested.

"I don't know if he knows Jaina too well, they seem to be at loggerheads sometimes," Wedge said. "Yeah, but isn't he her second in command? That has to count for something, and he's a lot bigger than her," Tycho added.

"So is Corran, but does that stop Jaina from kicking his ass in lightsaber sparring?" Wedge pointed out.

"She's probably likely to listen to him," Tycho said.

"What makes you think that?" Wedge asked curiously.

"Well, he's a twenty one year old male and she's a nineteen year old female, she's very attractive and he's good-looking too…" Tycho said slowly.

"And?" Wedge asked.

"They're probably attracted to each other!" Tycho explained.

Wedge looked at him for a moment then burst out laughing.

"Ha! Jaina and - and Jag! That's funny!"

Tycho looked at him like he was a madman. "What's strange about that?"

Wedge stopped laughing. "You were serious?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. "You're telling me you were serious?"

Tycho nodded cautiously. "Yes, Wedge, I was."

Wedge burst out laughing again. "That's even funnier!" he cried.

Tycho backed away from Wedge.

"You've officially cracked," Tycho diagnosed. "Wes' years of pranks have finally succeeded."

Wedge just kept laughing.

Kyp watched Jaina carefully for any sign of change. A few hours after she'd actually collapsed she woke up slowly. She blinked and her vision spun. She focused dimly on Kyp. "Kyp?" she asked weakly. "Why are you here?"

She remembered what had happened and bolted up right. "Why am I here? I'm not supposed to be here anymore!" she cried, tears spilling.

She'd failed again.

Kyp grabbed her arms. "Jaina, calm down," he soothed.

She snatched her arms away from him. "NO!" she screamed. "Get away! I'm not supposed to be here anymore! NO!"

He backed away, frightened.

She burst into fierce tears and covered her ears with her hands, holding her face in her knees and her knees in place with her elbows, she rocked back and forth.

_Someone! Help! Quick! _Kyp shouted through the Force to the first mind signatures he could recognise, Corran and Valin Horn.

Jaina just rocked back and forth, sobbing, her face in her knees.

Valin Horn heard Kyp's summons through the Force and looked at his father, Corran Horn, he'd heard them as well. "He sounds worried," Valin commented. "Should we go?"

Corran shrugged. "He obviously needs help-" his face scrunched up as he felt Jaina's anguish and her anger. "It's Jaina Solo, she's having some kind of panic attack," he said quickly.

They ran towards Jaina's quarters. They entered through the open door and looked cautiously in. Valin heard sobbing from the sleeping area. "Dad," he said, pointing. They approached carefully. Jaina was on her bed, hugging her knees and sobbing, her arms were bandaged up to the elbow. Kyp was backing away from the bed slowly, his face pale with fear. "What happened here?" Corran asked Kyp softly, sidling up beside him, Valin following slowly. "She's slashed her wrists, there's something seriously wrong with her, she woke up a few hours after I got here and found her unconscious, bleeding badly and she went off at me," Kyp said, his voice low.

Valin approached her carefully. "Colonel Solo?" he asked softly.

Jaina's head rose slowly, her brown eyes were rimmed with red and her face was wet with tears. She blinked dazedly. "Is that you, Valin?" she asked quietly.

"Yeah," he answered, his father gave him an encouraging smile.

"Why are you here?" she asked, confused.

"We want to help you," Corran said, coming forward.

Jaina looked at him too, still confused. "Why? I don't need any help, I'm fine," she said, slipping back into the skin of denial.

"You're not fine, Jaina," Kyp said, his voice firm. "You are not okay at all."

Jaina looked at him, genuinely confused. "Why do you say that?" she asked.

"Because you tried to kill yourself!" Kyp exploded. "Don't you remember?"

Jaina's eyes widened in anger as someone who wasn't Jaina took over her. "You're spying on me now?" she spat, in a voice that was too harsh and cold to belong to Jaina. "I don't deserve to be spied on!" A string of curses in many different languages spun off her tongue; many would've made even her father blush. Her eyes widened even more as she realised what she'd said and Kyp's eyes softened. She began to cry again, her eyes innocent of the hard expression that had overtaken them just a minute ago. Kyp wrapped her in an embrace and stroked her hair. She shook with silent sobs, crying into his chest. "Thanks, Master Horn, Valin," Kyp said over Jaina's shoulder, nodding at them. "Can you send Han and Leia over?" The Horns nodded and left quietly.

Han and Leia ran to their daughter's quarters as soon as Corran told them something was wrong. Han grabbed Jaina away from Kyp and held her tightly. "Sweetheart," he said, brushing her hair away from her face. "What happened?"

Jaina just sobbed harder. "Durron," he demanded. "What happened? Why are her arms bandaged?" Kyp looked at him sadly. "Ask her, I don't like saying it," he said softly. Han pulled himself away so they were an arm-length apart. He took her left arm in both of his hands and gently unwound the bandage, scared of what he would find. Deep cuts scarred her pale skin and he gasped. "Jaina!" Leia breathed. "No!"

Jaina winced as he traced the length of one with his finger. "Jaina…" he breathed.

"Sweetie!" Leia cried, throwing herself at her daughter. Jaina's parents hugged her tightly and Kyp stood back, keeping a respectful distance away. Jaina sobbed even harder into her father's shoulder. They stayed that way for a long time.

"Why?" Leia asked, tear trails streaking down her cheeks "Why, Jaina? Why?"

Jaina didn't answer.

Jacen ran in a few minutes later. "Jaya!" he cried. Jaina pulled away from her father and buried her face in Jacen's chest.

He hugged her gently, scared he'd hurt her. He felt the moist cuts on her arms against his neck and felt tears sting his eyes. He held her a little tighter and her fingers dug into his triceps. Han looked at the twins, tears threatening to overflow his eyes.

"Why did she do this?" Leia asked tearfully.

"I think there's a lot you don't know about your daughter anymore, this war has changed her greatly," Kyp said quietly.

Anakin sensed his mother's anguish and Jacen's pain, Jaina was hurt, he could feel a stinging down the underside of his forearms, she was in pain. He ran from the room towards Jaina's quarters, his uncle and aunt at his heels, not sure what was happening. He saw Jaina's arms and ran to her and Jacen. He pulled Jaina away from Jacen and into his arms, rubbing her back softly. Luke and Mara went over to Leia and Han and asked what was wrong with her.

"She tried to-" Leia's voice left her and she fell into Luke's arms, sobbing. Luke nodded in understanding, and then he looked at his niece, his blue eyes piercing. Anakin pulled her a little closer and rested his head on hers. "Jaina, sis, what happened?" he asked.

"I- I honestly don't know…" she stammered. "Someone keeps- they keep telling me things- they're things I think about but never say- it tells me things…" she broke down in sobs again.

Mara went to her niece. "Jaina, honey, come here," she said softly. Jaina went into her aunt's arms. "I keep getting passed round, like some kind of hot cake," she joked feebly. No one laughed. Mara looked at her tear stained face. "Honey, why?" she asked.

"I don't know, someone keeps telling me things and it mirrors my own doubts…" Jaina said softly.

"I can't believe you did this to us, Jaina," Han said, suddenly angry. "Why? What did we do wrong?"

Jaina looked at Han, her brown eyes stricken. "What did we do wrong, Jaina?" Han repeated, his eyes flashing. "You weren't brought up like this, you're supposed to be a good kid! Has this Goddess ruse addled your brains?"

Jaina's face fell and with it, any hope of getting through to her. "You know what, General?" she asked bitterly, not even calling him Dad. "I wasn't brought up, I was shunted around the galaxy, growing up on my own, left to feel like no-one wanted me, waiting for a visit from my parents, hoping they'd remember me, while you went around, saving everyone, so it's not my fault you couldn't save me!"

She tore herself away from Mara and fled her room. "You'll be sorry when I'm gone," she said at the door, her brown eyes glaring at Han then she ran.

Leia burst into tears. "Han! You stupid, stupid man!" she screamed and ran after her daughter.

Mara threw a disgusted glance at Han and left the room.

Jacen and Anakin looked at their father, their eyes hard. "You may as well have killed her with your own hands," Jacen spat.

Anakin didn't say anything, just looked at his father, his eyes betrayed. "We were sympathetic with you when you were depressed after Chewie died, have some sympathy for your own daughter," he said quietly and the two brothers left.

Luke looked at him critically. "Jaina needs help, not someone telling her she's gone mental," he said softly. "She's right, you will be sorry if she doesn't wake up one morning, and then you'll realise just how much you have to lose."

He left the room.

Han felt tears trailing down his cheeks.

Jaina ran to the Special Operations bay, past several stunned mechanics and grabbed her utility belt from the bench next to her X-Wing. She left the bay and tried to think of a place to hide. "He'll be sorry when I'm gone," she whispered.

_No, he won't, _the voice said. _He has your brothers and your mother, he doesn__'t need you, you're just a hindrance, one that he just has to worry about, he doesn't love you, not like he loves your mother and brothers. _

Jaina blinked back tears and ran down a corridor.

"Look out for Jaina, she's just ran off and she'll probably hurt herself again," Mara barked into her comlink, Wedge held the comlink away from his ear then replied. "I'll have all people on base alert," he said and clicked off. Jaina darted past several pilots going the other way, not noticing who they were. Therese and her cronies took in her dishevelled appearance and snickered. She hid herself in a small conference room a few doors away from the Special Operations bay. She locked the door behind her and collapsed against the wall, breathing heavily. She could sense her aunt looking for her and shut off her presence in the Force.

Leia ran into Jaina's quarters and swung the door open with the Force. "Jaina?" she shouted, entering the room. She reached out for her daughter in the Force but found nothing. She looked all through the quarters but Jaina wasn't there. She ran towards the hangar bay but no-one had seen Jaina either.

Luke ran past Wedge who was going the opposite way. "Make sure no-one lets her into a room where she's alone!" Luke called as he ran down another hall. Wedge ran the other way. He commed his nephew, Jag, and asked him to try and find Jaina. "Jag, she tried to commit suicide earlier, don't let her get a hold of anything dangerous and if she does anything, do all you can to stop her, even if it means hurting her." Jag said he would and clicked off.

Jag's heart raced as he sprinted down a hall towards the Special Operations bay. "Has anyone seen the Goddess?" he shouted.

A mechanic approached him. "She was here about fifteen minutes ago, she grabbed her utility belt and ran off again," he said.

Jag slapped a hand to his forehead and tried frantically to remember what Jaina carried on her utility belt and if it was dangerous. "What was on her utility belt?" he asked the mechanic, who was still standing there.

"Uh, blaster, a hydrospanner, her lightsaber was on there," the mechanic thought hard. "There was a durasteel screwdriver, and something else but I can't remember."

"She can do enough harm to herself with what you said, let alone anything else," Jag muttered and sprinted into the hall.

Jaina closed her eyes and grabbed her hydrospanner. _No, silly, _the voice admonished, _That__'s not sharp enough!_

Jaina sighed. "What do I do?" she asked quietly.

_Don't come back this time, even if they call you, just let go of life, _the voice hissed. _Let them miss you but they__'ll be better off without you_.

Jaina grabbed her lightsaber but then put it back on her belt, she grabbed the screwdriver instead. She dragged the sharp end down her arm and winced as it opened the barely sealed gashes already there. She did it to both arms and then let herself go, riding out on a wave of pain. She let the darkness take her.

Jag pounded on the door of the first conference room and the door swung open, nothing in there. He pounded on the next door, and two male and female voices yelled "Go away!" It wasn't Jaina. He walked into the next room and there was nothing. He banged on the closed door of the fourth one and found it locked. He palmed the control panel and it recognised him as a colonel, allowing him access to the room. He saw Jaina in the corner, the screwdriver discarded. She was lying against the wall. He ran to her and gently rolled her onto her back. "Jaina?" he asked softly.

He grabbed his comlink. "General! I'm in Conference room CG54, Colonel Solo is here too, she's already done it again, she'd unconscious," he said into the comm. Wedge clicked an affirmative but didn't waste time replying. "Mara, Jag found her," he said. "Conference room CG54, he said she's hurt herself again, already unconscious."

Mara clicked an affirmative and beat Wedge to the room. Jag had pulled the sleeves of her flightsuit up to expose the deep cuts.

Mara knelt by her niece and put an ear to her chest. She couldn't hear much, just a faint beat. "Jaina!" she said desperately, reaching out for her with the Force. "Your father didn't mean what he said, he's just upset, please, please, don't leave us!"

Jaina heard her aunt's voice. _Don__'t go back to them; _the voice warned her. _All you__'ll do is hurt them even more. _

Jaina tried in vain to blur the vision of her aunt's face. "I know my father hates me, but Aunt Mara and Uncle Luke… and Jacen and Anakin… I think they love me," she murmured.

"Jaina!" Mara shouted, shaking her. "Please! Just come back!"

Jag watched with blank eyes.

Wedge ran in and commed Luke and Leia.

"Is she okay?" Wedge asked Mara.

Mara shook her head. "She's not responding to anything," she said bleakly. "I'm scared, Wedge, so scared…"

Wedge gave her a reassuring pat on the shoulder.

Leia ran, sobbing, into the room, Luke right behind her.

"Please, someone save my baby girl!" Leia sobbed frantically.

Luke touched a finger to Jaina's neck. "Hang in there, kiddo," he murmured, setting a hand on either side of her face and closing his eyes.

He reached out with the Force and tried to locate exactly where Jaina's mind was. He ended up in a shadowy place, where Jaina was squeezed in a corner, a shadow curled about her protectively. "Jaina!" he called, approaching her carefully.

She looked up, tears staining her cheeks. "Uncle Luke," she said, her eyes guarded.   
"Please, don't do this!" he pleaded with her. "Come back, we all need you, your father too."

Jaina scoffed. "He doesn't need me, he hates me." Several tears escaped her eyes. "I'm just a nuisance, a bother, something standing in his way."

Luke sighed. "Jaina, please, be rational," he said.

"I am rational!" she exploded. "I'm not doing anything of use and just standing in the way of this war! That's why I'm not staying any more!"

Luke moved closer. "Stay away from her," the shadow around her said, a cloud of smoke emitting with the words. "She'll just hurt you."

Luke recoiled. "Jaina! What is that- that thing?"

"I'm her inner-self, the rational one," the shadow hissed.

"Please, Jaina," he said, his voice low and desperate. "This is killing your mother, and your Aunt Mara too, they want so badly to help you."

"Two people can't sway us, two people are the only ones who care, so they can suffer, just like we have," the shadow said.

"It's killing your brothers too, they're confused," Luke tried again to reach his niece; "Even that Colonel Fel is trying to help you."

Jaina's face flickered between expressions before it hardened again. "Jag Fel has his precious Chiss, just as Mom has Dad, Anakin and Jacen. Aunt Mara has you and- and my brothers, they- my brothers don't need me," Jaina said, turning her face away from her uncle.

"But, Jaina," Luke said quietly. "What about the GFFA? We need you; we can't keep going up against the Vong without our Goddess. Everyone needs hope, and you gave it to lot of people." "No, Uncle Luke," Jaina said stiffly. "They _think _that I'm a goddess, the problem is just that. I'm _not a goddess_, I'm just some nobody who got shoved into the limelight because she has famous parents and talented brothers who save a lot of people, not because of who I am, not because of _me_, but because people insist on being able to keep deluding themselves."

Luke got a little bit of understanding then. "Jaina, you are special, because of who you are, as well as having the family you do," he said. "Who else got more kills in three weeks than Rogue Squadron's top ten percenters when she was seventeen?"

Jaina's eyes didn't move from his face. "I don't care anymore, Uncle Luke," she whispered. "I'm sick and tired of being told I'm someone that I'm not, I'm fed up with being isolated, with being told who I have to be!"

Luke moved forward on a sudden urge to grab her and drag her back if the need presented itself. He reached through the shadow and grasped her thin arm.

Jaina jolted.

He dragged her away from the shadow. He lifted her frail form into his arms and cradled her like a child. He found his way back into the living world and gently lowered Jaina down. He removed his hands from her face and opened his eyes.

Mara had tears falling down her cheeks and she was gazing at Jaina sadly. He noticed Jagged Fel crouched next to Wedge, the young man's face contorted in mixed feelings. "Wait," Luke said, his voice cracked. Jaina's hand twitched in Mara's and her eyes slowly opened, she blinked rapidly. She tried to sit up and Mara eased her up against the wall gently. "Honey?" Mara asked quietly. "Are you okay?"

Jaina hesitated for a moment. "I- I don't think I am, Aunt Mara," she admitted, her voice choked. Leia moved forward and enveloped her daughter in a tight hug, fearing to let her go. "Please, Jaina, sweetheart," Leia murmured. "Please don't scare us like that, I was so scared I was going to lose you…"

Jaina hugged her mother back fiercely. "I need to sort some things out," she said softly. "I need to do that before I even think about anything else." Leia nodded and tightened her grip on her daughter. Wedge and Jag came to Jaina's sides and grabbed an arm each. Gently, they helped her rise as Leia reluctantly let go of her. "We'll take her to the med ward for some treatment for those cuts," Wedge said. Jaina smiled at her mother and aunt and uncle as Jag and Wedge led her from the room.

Jaina was silent until they got to the ward. Jag let go of her reluctantly and Wedge looked at him curiously. "Thanks, General Antilles," she said softly and went into the examination room. Wedge explained the situation to the medic and the man nodded in understanding. Jag and Wedge left slowly. "Jag, are you okay?" Wedge asked.

Jag nodded. "Just a little disturbed, never thought Colonel Solo would be the suicidal type," he said. Wedge nodded in understanding. "It threw me for a bit of a loop too, I think her family are worst off though, especially Leia, she always thought Jaina could tell her anything," he said softly. "It turns out Jaina had a lot of things she didn't tell anyone, even Jacen."

Jag fell silent. "You're attracted to her," Wedge said. It was a statement, not a question. Jag looked at his uncle. "What makes you think that?" he asked, unflappable even in a situation like that.

"Just a hunch, and most people do find her very attractive, and the allure of being a Jedi adds to that," he replied. "Most tend to try too hard to make her find them attractive too and I've seen many a young man drink away rejection from Jaina, she's never been terribly interested in males."

Jag nodded. "She is very beautiful. She's as stubborn as a bantha and I'm not much better, so we're often at loggerheads," he said thoughtfully. "Though I do hope she gets through this, I would like to know her more." Wedge looked at Jag again as they continued down the hallway.

Jaina sat down on an examination table and the medic came back in. "So," the medic said conversationally. "Care to give me a look at those cuts of yours?" Jaina pulled her sleeves up to her elbows and the medic came forward. "They would have hurt," the man said, eyeing the long, deep cuts warily. "I've been through worse," Jaina said, her voice low. The medic grabbed a tub of bacta lotion and applied it liberally to the young woman's arms. Jaina winced as the medic's fingers brushed a fresh gash. "Sorry, that looks more than a little bit sore," he apologised. Jaina didn't say anything, just sat still as the medic wrapped bandages around her forearms and secured them on her hands. "Thankyou," Jaina said and sprang lightly off the bench. The medic watched as she exited the ward. "Get some help, Jaina," Zekk said softly as he wiped his hands on his white coat. Jaina turned back. "Don't even bother, Zekk," she said quietly, glaring at the medic, who was turning back into his office and didn't see her turn back the way she'd come.

Leia fell into Luke's arms. "Oh, Force, Luke," she murmured. "That scared me, scared me so much." "Shh, Leia," he comforted his sister. "She'll be okay now, she knows something's wrong and she'll fix it." Leia buried her face in his chest and stayed there for a long time.

"We shouldn't have let her go by herself," Wedge said, and suddenly stopped. "We have to have someone with her at all times, even when she's asleep."

Jag nodded. "Who do you want on first duty?" he asked his uncle.

"Just find her first," Wedge said. Jag jogged down an adjacent hall and disappeared from Wedge's line of sight. Wedge watched his nephew go with mixed feelings. He was worried about Jaina, she'd always been like a niece to him and now he had Jag here and he knew that Jag had feelings for Jaina, it was blatantly obvious to him that Jaina also had some small attraction to Jag as well, but they were both secretive with their real feelings.

Jag found Jaina in her room, sprawled on her bed, staring at nothing. "Jaina?" he asked softly. She jolted and sat up hurriedly. "Jag!" she said, surprised. He let an uncharacteristic smile slip onto his face. One corner of her lips twitched up and she half smiled. "Why are you here?" she asked, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear.

"Uncle Wedge asked me to come and find you," he replied, sitting on the edge of her bed. "He wants someone to be with you at all times, just a precaution," he added hastily, seeing her expression. "He really doesn't want to lose you."

Jaina smiled slightly. "I remember a time when he babysat me and my brothers. Anakin distracted him and me and Jacen stole his datapad," she said, her eyes dreamy. "We wrote, well, me and Jacen did, Anakin was only four, 'Yub, yub General!' Wes Janson had been a major influence on us by that stage."

Jag smiled a little. "Wes is the one who carries the stuffed Ewok around?" Jaina nodded and lapsed back into silence. "Jag?" she asked suddenly.

"Yes?" he answered.

"Do you think I'm crazy?"

He shook his head vehemently.

"No, Jaina," he said firmly. "You are not crazy, you've just been through a lot."

Jaina pulled something out from under her pillow. It was a sound data card. "I wrote this before the last time," she said softly. "I spent ages on it, I wanted to die so much and I wrote this to explain it." She handed it to Jag. Jag slipped it into the player beside her bed. Soft music came from it and a soft, honey sweet voice sang.

_(Adam's Song by Blink 182)_

_I never thought I'd die alone._

_I laughed the loudest, who'd have known._

_I traced the cord back to the wall, _

_No wonder it was never plugged in at all._

_I took my time, I hurried up._

_The choice was mine,_

_I didn't think enough._

_I'm too depressed to go on,_

_You'll be sorry when I'm gone._

_I never conquered when you came,_

_Sixteen just held such better days._

_Days when I still felt alive,_

_I couldn't wait to get up._

_Beside the wall,_

_Watched the day go by,_

_To tired to try._

_The tour was over, _

_We'd survived._

_I couldn't wait _

_Till I got home,_

_To pass the time in my room alone._

_I never thought I'd die alone,_

_Another six months of the unknown._

_Gave all my things,_

_To all my friends._

_You'll never step foot in my room again._

_You'll close it off,_

_Board it up,_

_Remember the time that I spilled the cup _

_Of apple juice_

_In the hall?_

_Please tell Mom this is not her fault._

_I never conquered when you came,_

_Sixteen just held such better days._

_Days when I still felt alive,_

_I couldn't wait to get up. _

_The tour was over, _

_We'd survived._

_I couldn't wait _

_Till I got home,_

_To pass the time in my room alone._

Jag switched the player off and took Jaina in his arms tenderly. "I'll always be here for you, Jaina," he promised. "No matter what happens, I'll always be here for you." Jaina buried her face in his chest and cried. He threaded his fingers through her hair and brushed it down her back. "I'll always be here for you, too, Jag," she said softly. "Even if I'm not really here, I'll always be there for you." Jag held her tighter. "It just hurts so much to watch as people die out there defending me!" she sobbed. "I can't stand to watch it anymore! I just want it to all go away and there to be nothing! Absolutely nothing! Just peace, no pain, no hurt, no anger, no nothing…"

"I know, I know it hurts, I know, Jaina," he soothed her. "I know, calm down, I'm here and nothing's gonna hurt you." "But you can't say that for sure," she said, hiccupping. "Can you? What happens if you're on Csilla and the Vong come and take me? Or if I get shot down and you're not there? What happens then, Jag?"

"Jaina, I'm not going anywhere, I won't even go back to Csilla without you," he promised. "I won't leave you, I will never ever, ever leave you." He put a finger under her chin and tilted her head up and his down and kissed her. She held him tight, fearing if she let go of him she'd never get him back. Jag broke for air and pulled Jaina against him. "I love you, Jag," Jaina whispered.

"Say what?" Jag said, touching her cheek gently. Jaina looked up, her teary eyes full of fear. "Please, say it again," Jag said softly.

Jaina smiled a half smile. "I love you."

Jag's eyes lit up. "I love you too, always have and always will," he murmured. She curled up, hugging him with both arms. "I'm scared of this, Jag," she said. "It's too good to be true, too perfect. It scares me."

He kissed her softly. "It's okay to be scared," he said tenderly. "So long as you don't run away." Jaina leant against him. "I never run away," she said. Jaina fell asleep with Jag rubbing her back.

Jacen felt Jaina's anguish receding, and an aura of peace surrounded her. He relaxed. 'Jag must be with her,' he thought, 'I wondered how long it would take.' He rested his head on his pillow and allowed sleep to take him.

Jag felt Jaina's breathing become softer, more even and knew she'd fallen asleep. He slipped an arm under her legs and lifted her easily. He held her with one arm as he drew the covers on her bed back and laid her between the blankets. He kissed her forehead then her lips and ran his hand down her pale cheek. "'Night, my love," he whispered. He sat in the self-conforming chair beside her bed and watched her sleep. He began to sing softly.

_I… I am watching you sleep_

_It's the promise you made_

_One I find I can keep_

_Oh I… want to swallow the moment_

_Give a smile back to you_

_Light your way  
Tell the Angels they'll just have to wait_

'_Cause I wanna stay here in this moment_

_Can I quietly slip into you?_

_You and I can stay here in this moment_

_Let the world fade away_

_I just wanna stay with you_

_I… I am watching you breathe_

_I am pulled into you_

_As you smash into me_

_Oh, I want to give you the stars_

_All that I can hold in my arms_

_Placing them where you lay_

_Tell the Angels they'll just have to wait_

'_Cause I wanna stay here in this moment_

_Can I quietly slip into you?_

_You and I can stay here in this moment_

_Let the world fade away_

_I just wanna stay with you_

_With my hand on your skin we can slowly begin_

_I am free_

_Now the heavens have less cause_

_I've found the best_

_And I won't let them take you away_

_You tell the Angels they'll just have to wait_

'_Cause I wanna stay here in this moment_

_Can I quietly slip into you?_

_You and I can stay here in this moment_

_Let the world fade away_

_I just wanna stay with you_

_I wanna stay here in this moment_

_Make the world stand impossibly still_

_Disappear in your kiss_

_We'll never be missed_

_Let the world fade away_

_I just wanna stay with you_

_With you_

Jaina's lips twitched and it seemed she smiled. Jag let a smile grace his lips and he closed his eyes, falling into the world of dreams.

Leia felt Jag's emotions and smiled. Jaina would come back and she'd be like she used to be. It would be like having the sixteen year-old Jaina back again. She'd come back and she'd bring someone else with her.

Jaina woke slowly the next morning and was surprised to feel anything. The events of the day before came rushing back to her and she gulped back tears. She saw Jag, asleep in the chair beside her bed and her lips twitched into a small grin. But last night had been real. Jag loved her. She slid out from under the covers and rose unsteadily, her legs weak. She stumbled into the 'fresher and ran the hot water. When the water finished she undressed and slid gingerly into the steaming water. Her body barely took up a half of the tub. Her aunt always complained she had such a small tub, so narrow and Jaina was only a little shorter than Mara, and Mara was anything but large, she weighed about as little as was healthy for her height. She washed thoroughly and then towelled herself dry. She stepped onto the scales, terrified of the numbers. 42 kilograms. She was 170 centimetres tall. To the normal eye she was skin, bone and muscle. To her eyes she was flawed.

She slipped a brown jumpsuit on and then went back out into the sleeping area. Jag was still sleeping. She kissed his cheek gently and he woke slowly. "Morning, beautiful," he said sleepily. "Morning, handsome," she murmured, kissing him. "That woke me up," he said and pulled her back down for another one. Jaina pulled away a few seconds later. "Sorry," she said, her voice low. "I'm not ready for that much at the moment." Jag looked a little disappointed but he banished it quickly. "I'm not gonna push you, Jaina," he said softly. "I'll wait for as long as you need me to, if you're not ready, I won't make you." She smiled a little. Jag's eyes focused on the scales by the 'fresher door, Jaina had forgot to put them back. "How much do you weigh, Jaina?" he asked. "For your medic report," he added hastily, seeing her strange look. "42 kilos," she replied. "Jag managed to stop his jaw hitting the ground but he was gob-smacked. "Jaina!' he exclaimed. "I weigh 86 kilos! How tall are you?" "170 cm," she said. "And muscle is denser than fat. You're all muscle." "I may be, but you weigh half of me!" he said, his eyes disbelieving. "Half! And you're muscled! You must have no fat on you at all! Skin, bone and muscle! Unbelievable…" he trailed off. Jaina looked at him funny. "Jag, I'm not that thin," she said, her voice slightly husky. "I weigh enough, more than enough." Jag opened his mouth to protest but decided to keep it to himself. "Whatever you say," he said, giving in.

When Mara came in later that morning, Jag left to find his uncle. "Uncle Wedge," he said, bursting into Wedge's office. "She's nuts!" "Jaina's nuts?" Wedge asked. "Why? What's the matter?" "She weighs half of me! Half!" he all but shouted. "Forty two kilograms! And she's a hundred and seventy centimetres tall! Skin, bone and muscle…" "Woah, calm down, Colonel," Wedge said. "Forty two kilos? Syal is eight years old, is a hundred and thirty centimetres tall and weighs 32 kilos. Syal is by no means a big girl, she's like her mother, and Jaina weighs ten kilos more than her? That's just crazy." Jag rolled his eyes. "I just tried to get that point across, sir," he said dryly. Wedge looked a little embarrassed. "Sorry," he said sheepishly. "But I agree, that's no healthy weight," he said, serious again. "You should tell Leia or Jacen or Anakin." Jag shook his head. "She's convinced herself that she's flawed and doesn't realise just how little she weighs. I could almost carry her with one arm, Uncle." Wedge looked slightly alarmed.

New Chapter up as soon as I finish it!


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